Year-end reflections on gratitude and wealth

Not long ago I took my two nieces (Alexa, 10, and Nakita “Kit-Kat,” 7) out for our quarterly Sunday brunch at a quaint neighborhood pizzeria in Seattle.  Kit-Kat’s birthdate was just a few days away, so I decided to bring along small cupcakes (store bought, of course) to celebrate.  After we devoured our pizzas, I pulled out the cupcakes, and Alexa and I began to sing happy birthday to her younger sister. 

Once we were done singing and before Kit-Kat could dive into her cupcake, I reminded her to make a wish.  Without missing a beat, she said: “I wish that you (me) would find the love of your life.”  Upon hearing this, I felt moved, taken back, panicked and conflicted all at once.  On one hand, I was touched that she’d “used” her wish on me.  On the other hand, I was saddened by various thoughts and insecurities: perhaps she worries about me…perhaps she thinks that my life is incomplete without a partner…perhaps I’m being a bad example for her and Alexa by living a single (“non-traditional”) lifestyle. 

Reflexively, I quickly pivoted by reminding Kit-Kat that she should wish something for herself.  She simply looked at me, bowed her head, closed her eyes tightly and then observed silence for a few seconds.  Upon seeing this, I couldn’t help but think to myself: “Oh no, this kid is doubling down.”  Fortunately, after lunch, we strolled through the neighborhood, which conveniently had a sizeable toy store where we whittled away our remaining Sunday afternoon. 

That evening, as I reflected further on my niece’s birthday wish, I found myself plagued again by a host of insecurities, which all seem to circulate around one BIG fear: I’m a bad example for the girls.  A few days later, as I was doing something mundane, like washing dishes, an unexpected realization popped into my head: The girls are the greatest loves of my life.

An unlikely love story…

Unlike many aunts-to-be, I viewed my nieces’ births with skepticism and fear rather than excitement.  I was skeptical that their parents were financially and emotionally mature enough to take on the responsibility of raising and adequately caring for children.  I was fearful that my nieces wouldn’t get the stability, security and opportunities that my own parents had worked hard to provide my brother and me.  So, during the first year of Alexa’s life, I kept my physical and emotional distance.  As baby, she seemed foreign and even more so as she was closely related to me.  

Over the course of a few years, however, I found myself getting used to Alexa’s presence…then getting curious about her…then engaging with her little-by-little through various games: peek-a-boo; bedtime reading; hide-go-seek; Uno; Jenga; etc.  When Kit-Kat showed up, it felt like double the discovery and fun.  Surprisingly, my interactions with my nieces taught me a lot about them and me.  I learned that children were not as helpless as I’d assumed.  Also, as trite as this may sound, they had as much (if not more) to teach me as I had to teach them.  Over time, I came to recognize that Alexa and Kit-Kat were less of a burden and more of a joy…my joy.  I also realized that I had a natural capacity to “parent” (or “aunt”).  Additionally, over time, my brother and sister-in-law assumed their increasing responsibilities with more equanimity and capability than I’d initially given them credit.   

Attracting wealth

For me, there’s an ongoing interplay and (mental) dialogue between the personal and professional.  Personal reflections and insights often lead to professional reflections and insights. Interestingly, the reflections and insights from my Sunday brunch with my nieces led me to think more deeply concerning a common work scenario.  Given the nature of my profession, it’s common and understandable that most women come to me looking for the “secret sauce” to accumulating wealth (quickly).  Interestingly, the end goal is usually security versus stuff.  So, I’d share with them what I’ve gleamed from my experience/observation, thus far: The secret sauces are a saver’s mentality and patience.  (Nothing too earth shattering.)  Savers can more easily transition to investors by redeploying their excess cash into the stock market.  By doing so, they create a virtuous cycle wherein their money works for them.  Patience and time compound an initially small sum into a LARGE sum. 

In theory, this is easy.  But, in practice, this is hard.  Reason being, most people are not natural savers and/or patient.  Following society’s dictate, they pursue wealth.  In so doing, they often overlook the true nature of wealth: it’s a by-product of mentality rather than physicality (“pursuit”).  By mistaking this dynamic (If I accumulate a lot of money, I will feel wealthy and secure), those who chase money often end up not having a lot of it (they chase it away) or feeling as financially insecure as when they first began with far less.  Which is worse?  (I’m not sure.)  What to do?!!?!?!?!  Here are some thoughts…

…By acknowledging wealth (gratitude)

First, try to understand the true dynamic behind building wealth: mentality begets money.  Ironically, only when we feel that we have enough will we be open to attracting more (money).  Inversely, a chronic feeling or fear of not having enough typically repels money…much like a partner.  (Nothing is as unattractive as the whiff of desperation.)  And, one of the best ways to cultivate a sense of enough is to begin recognizing and being grateful for what we’ve been given.  Only when we’ve acknowledged a gift do we open ourselves up to the opportunity for more gifts.  (Also, which Universe would want to give things to someone who doesn’t say thank you?!?!!!)  

Going back to Kit-Kat’s recent birthday wish, my niece’s thoughtfulness and generosity was initially lost on me as I got caught up in defining myself and love within the worldly context of a romantic partner.  Subsequent reflections offered an alternative (more expansive…and truer) definition of love.  Only then, did I see that I’d already been given the greatest loves of my life. 

Second, consider setting aside a moment every day (I like mornings) to acknowledge the many gifts we’ve been given – the smaller the gift, the better.  Based on my experience, this habit helps (de)condition me from discounting small things as being too insignificant to give notice, much less appreciation.  Interestingly, I’ve observed that it’s the small things that often lead to big things.  Also, interestingly, only after receiving the supposed big things do I realize (sometimes years later) that they were really small things and that the small things were actually big things all along, like my nieces.  (I don’t mean to convolute by verbally drawing Escher’s staircase…For those who don’t know what that is, Google it.)  In form, my and my nieces’ love story doesn’t fit the prevailing paradigm.  In essence, it has all the components of one: the meeting was unexpected, but the unfolding has been one of mutual discovery, understanding, growth and joy.  We are better off for having each other in our lives.        

Final thoughts…

As with love, the world’s definition of gratitude is inadequate; we should only be thankful after having received something.  Thing is, it’s not uncommon that all of us have received many things (e.g., this breath) every moment for which we have not properly noticed, acknowledged and, therefore, expressed gratitude.  During the holiday season, the emphasis is typically on what we want…stuff.  A moment of genuine gratitude can help redirect us towards what we long for…security, community, love, which already abounds.