When life is hard, gratitude is critical

Thank you is the best prayer that anyone could say.

(Alice Walker) 

This has been a hard year.  With Thanksgiving coming up and gatherings still potentially dangerous, giving thanks may feel out-of-place, if not out-of-step.  Still, in recent years, I’ve discovered that gratitude is most critical when situations seem most dire: a break-up, a job loss, an illness… a pandemic. 

I grew up watching The Oprah Winfrey Show almost daily.  I remember one particular show wherein Oprah touted the value of keeping a gratitude journal.  In her daily entries, she would highlight 5 things for which she was most grateful that day.  While watching that show, I remember thinking: “Oh, that’s nice.  Maybe later when I have more time to reflect and more things to be thankful for.”  Well, the moment finally came 22 years later (in 2018).   

I’m naturally a list maker (e.g., groceries, gifts, to dos), because I’m awful with multitasking.  Lists help me sequence things in a way that feels manageable.  One day, as I was pecking out yet another list on my smartphone, I remember thinking that the device and listing format would be a perfect gratitude “journal” for someone like me.  Slowly and sporadically at first, I waded into gratitude listing – 3 things per day.  Two interesting things happened.  First, I found myself unconsciously falling into the daily habit of typing in my gratitude list.  Second, I found that gratitude expressed during bad days made the biggest difference in my well-being.  They helped expand my perspective on the situation; reminded me see of the silver linings; served as a vital stop gap to mental “spiraling.”  Collectively, gratitude gave me the space and ground needed to reevaluate, reinvigorate and renew.  With that said, here are the three things I’m most grateful for this Thanksgiving.  (For the sake of context, I’ve expanded my gratitude list beyond a list.)   

My family:  Like many people, my relationship with my family has had its share of ups and downs.  If I were to draw a line graph of my perception of the value of my family throughout my life thus far, it would look like this:

 

Much of my “angst” around my family has been driven by “expectations” (real and/or perceived).  My sense of burden came from a seemingly dueling sense of obligation: live up to my parents’ expectations of me OR find my own path and live life on my own terms.  

Fortunately, crisis is the great clarifier!  When I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD in my mid-30s, the answer finally came to a once difficult question: Who owns my life?  I OWN MY LIFE!  Within this clarity, I also found both my responsibility and resolve to live out my life as I saw fit.  This journey of self-(re)discovery has been hard.  It has required me to separate, abandon and renegotiate my relationship with and my responsibility to my parents and others.  Regardless of how difficult each step forward has been, I have continually found the strength to keep taking steps forward.  In so doing, I’m creating a life that is more deeply integrated with my SELF; that honors my parents’ sacrifice and hard work while, at the same time, honors my need to live a life that’s more…ME.      

My new neighborhood and neighbors:  While I grew up in the Midwest and still consider myself a Midwesterner, I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest for more than 16 years now.  The first 15 years were spent in Seattle while this last year in Tacoma, a much smaller city 25 miles south of Seattle.  I mentally dithered for 3 years before making the move, which felt like stepping off a cliff.  Fortunately, the reality is turning out better than I could have imagined.  Tacoma offers me the peace and quiet and small-town feel that I crave at this point in life.  Additionally, given the location of my neighborhood, I’m able to walk to most places that I need: grocery stores, cafes, post office, parks. 

Through my daily walks, I’ve been able to meet and get to know more of my neighbors with whom I swap stories and perspectives on various mundane topics: weather; traffic; eateries; rapid changes to Tacoma due to migration of “Seattleites” like me; gardening; home remodeling tips.  Moreover, there are many gardeners in my neighborhood.  It’s not uncommon that after a chat my neighbors would send me off with whatever was ripening in their gardens: tomatoes, herbs, plums, flowers.    

Given the ongoing pandemic and the fact that I work from home (virtually), these seemingly small interactions have given me a much-needed sense of connection and community.

My work:  I opened my own investment advisory a year ago.  When it comes to entrepreneurship, they say the first year is the hardest. Personally, I’ve found this to be true. This roller coaster “ride” has been both thrilling and terrifying, sometimes both in the same day.  Although I had a few years of financial planning experience prior to opening my own shop, the learning curve has still been steep.  I’ve had to wear a lot more hats: small business owner, financial planner, Compliance officer, marketer, technologist, business development manager, blogger, editor, office admin, and so on.  No matter how big or small the job, I’m IT (for now). 

Here are three key things that I’ve learned after my first year in business:

1) I’ve unknowingly created a PhD program for myself wherein the curriculum centers on life and work.  Additionally, my greatest teachers are my clients and necessity. Through listening to their life stories and perspectives, I’ve gained a better understanding about my own. 

        2) Although my clients are all unique individuals, their stories echo some universal themes:

a.     You can’t take care of others until you can take care of yourself.

b.    There’s a big difference between making a living and a building a life.  The healthiest individuals are those who strive to integrate those two goals into one.

 3) The more open I am to learning new things, the easier learning new things become, even at middle-age. 

What are three things you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving?