What I discovered in my search for home...

Home 

I work almost exclusively with women.  It’s not uncommon for me to hear home ownership as a big life goal.  As a financial planner, I feel obligated to note that a home is an emotional investment, but a financial expense.  However, whenever I hear myself uttering those words, I also hear this Einstein quote in response: “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be be counted.”  Clients’ persistent draw towards homeownership and my own personal situation (of late) prompted me to reflect more deeply on this topic: What really is home?  Is it physical or conceptual?  Why is home such a powerful longing for most people?  How does one find/establish home?  How will one know?      

My (family) home ownership story 

Having grown up in the Midwest (northern Indiana), I moved to Seattle in my late-20s about 18 years ago.  It was love at first sight: lush landscape, water, mountain(s).  Alas, home!  After spending a few years putting down roots, I thought it best to move my aging parents here so I could look after them, if necessary.  Since Seattle’s homes cost 3xs more than Indiana’s, I decided to help my parents buy their own home by chipping in one-third for it.  Goals were to: 1) provide my parents cheap(er) housing 2) provide me a long-term investment.  Win-win…

Fast forward 13 years later (now), my brother and his family have been living with my parents and helping them pay for maintenance and utilities for the past 10 years.  (I’ve been out on my own throughout much of that time.)  During a routine visit, my parents surprised me (to put it lightly) by stating that they wanted to leave the house to my brother and his family.  The request/comment stirred up a strong mix of emotions within me.  Physically, it felt like a gut-punch.  Emotionally, it felt like I was being banished from the family home.   

Dream

To help maintain mental and emotional balance/health, I meditate 2 hours a day as well as attend a 10-day, silent meditation retreat annually.  My last 10-day took place 2 months after my discussion with my parents concerning our house.  So, the whole issue was still fresh in my mind. Sitting 10-plus hours per day naturally brings up a lot of stuff.  One night I had a vivid dream, which was like a silent movie, but in color.  In the dream, I am standing precariously on the outside ledge of an old castle.  (Similar to the one pictured below.)  FYI, I’m deathly afraid of heights.  My brother is standing on the balcony grounded inside the castle.  Surrounding the castle is lush landscape (Eden-like).  My brother is talking and gesticulating to me, but I can’t make out what he is saying.  Next thing, I fall from the castle ledge and back into my sleeping body at the retreat. The fall jolts me out of my slumber.  As I regained consciousness, I could still feel the terror of that fall in my body. 

Analysis…Leaving home 

Originally, I interpreted the dream as my brother pushing me out of the castle (or family house) so that he and his family could have it for themselves.  (Dark, I know.)  Ironically (or coincidentally), soon after I came back from the retreat, I read a book that included a dream analysis technique wherein you embody and speak as the key objects in your dream.  When I tried this out, I quickly realized that the castle didn’t just represent my family’s home, but was also a metaphor for my family’s culture, which was still deeply informed by Asian/Confucian ethics.  One of the core tenets of Confucianism is filial piety, wherein the younger generation cares for the older generation.  Typically, this involves the oldest son staying with and taking care of his aging parents.  The only wrinkle with this prescribed set-up is that although my brother and his wife had helped my parents maintain the family home, I had helped my parents buy it.  How to define/resolve home ownership? 

Reflecting on my dream, this newfound insight helped me realize that rather than being pushed out of the family house, I’d chosen to jump out. Reason being, I felt stifled by the cultural mandates that seemed unfair as it required me to forego my own well-being for the sake of my family’s well-being.  By opting to leave the family home, I could now return to my “real” home, which is Nature…and my nature (self-preservation).     

Searching for HOME…

For me, leaving the family home has meant selling my equity to my brother and his family.  This was an incredibly difficult decision.  Afterall, my family was the only link between my old home (Vietnam) and my new home (America).  After finalizing the sell decision, however, I still found myself second-guessing: Did I make the right decision? What if my family is my real home?  Does biology make someone family?  Does a physical space make something a home?  Can you truly honor someone else’s wishes by dishonoring your own wishes?  Regardless, the die has been cast.  Onward…  

Finding HOME…

As I wandered about in search of my new home, I couldn’t help realize that this has been a lifelong search for me.  Forced to leave Vietnam with my family when I was around 6-yrs-old, I’ve always been searching for home often with the assumption that it was a place. However, this time around, my search wasn’t just outward, but also inward.  By surveying both landscapes slowly, oftentimes silently and sometimes painfully, I came to realize that what had transpired was not about losing my family, but rather about finding myself.  Moreover, I realized that rather than losing home, I was finding home.  As a matter of fact, I..AM…HOME. 

Going HOME…

This new vantage point has not only validated my decision to strike out on my own, but has also served as a vital center from which I determine who, what and where is HOME.  This clarity has lent a certain effortlessness to the curation process by which I work to determine what to include in my life and space.  What reflects who I am and, at the same time, supports the person I’m still becoming?  Given the enormity of this task, I see it as an ongoing, unfolding process.  However, I now feel more assured that I am on the right path…I am going HOME to myself; to Nature; to my nature.     

Final thoughts…

In my interactions with prospects and clients, I typically shy away from sharing deeply personal aspects of my life.  I fear that this can become a distraction or, worse, a point of comparison.  Still, I do so here because I hope that, at the very least, you will feel less alone in your own search for HOME.      

Overall, what I’ve discovered in my own journey is that to find HOME, I must first find the courage to leave home.  Additionally, HOME is not something one finds, but also something one connects with(in)…cultivates…creates.  Finally, my guess is that as I grow increasingly more at HOME with(in) myself, everyone and everywhere will feel more…like HOME.