Love lessons: The importance of self-love

Ode to love

With Valentine’s Day coming up, I wanted to devote some time to a topic that gets a lot of airtime and headspace in our society – romantic love.  There are countless movies, books, websites, you name it, devoted to finding and keeping love.  Given the fact that the divorce rate persistently hovers around 40-50 percent, I sometimes wonder if we have gotten it wrong somehow both in our definition, understanding and, thus, approach to love.  I once read somewhere that one of America’s greatest addictions is romance.  The older I get, the more this observation rings true.  Not only do many of us confuse romance with love (think The Bachelor or The Bachelorette), but I suspect that many of us (myself included) often look for love in all the wrong places – outside of ourselves. 

 

Disclaimer: I’m no love expert (ask anyone)

As a topic, love can be rather expansive and daunting, especially in a blog post where I strive to stay under 1,000 words. More precarious/suspect still is the fact that this is written by someone who’s been a commitment phobe for much of her life.  Short-story: Post-Vietnam War, when I was a baby, my father left for the “re-education” camp.  As a result, I have a lot of residual abandonment issues. Additionally, given the socio-political instability that marked my developmental years, my primary goal has been survival through acquiring knowledge, work experience, resources, etc.  Interestingly, a man was never a part of the plan until recent years when my inner-work slowly resulted in a subtle, but profound, shift in perspective. In the past, my thinking was: I will go faster if I go alone. Now, I’m more inclined to think: We will go slower, but we will go farther.

Dating as a late-bloomer

My effort to find a life partner started around my late-30s. Like many of my contemporaries, I went about looking for love via online dating.  I saw it as a convenient and efficient way to cast my net wide. However, given my natural disposition, I also tried to meet people organically via my various daily life destinations (e.g., meditation hall, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, favorite parks). To further ensure “success,” I tried to stay open in terms of race, profession, height, weight, hair color, hair, no hair, etc. Ultimately, I wanted to get a better sense of the qualities that really mattered to me.

 

Like many people, I found dating awkward, scary and vulnerable. Going out there requires putting myself out there. And, that’s particularly frightening for an introvert like me who would rather see than be seen. Still, for about 5 years, I tried to go out with as many people as possible. Here are the key insights and lessons that I acquired in the process:
• If I don’t like someone’s heart, then I won’t care about any other aspects (e.g., looks, intellect, money) of the person. Physically and metaphorically, the heart feeds all the other organs. If his heart is crap, then I assume everything else is crap. Best to move on.
• What I look for in a partner is what I value in a good friend: kindness, hard work, a great sense of humor.

Learning about love in unexpected places

While trying to date more purposefully, I was also trying to transition into financial planning – my vocation.  Interestingly, it’s the latter that has taught me the most about love.  To enable me to do this work the way I think it should be done, I’ve had to face and overcome a lot of internal fears and doubts and jumped through many external hoops. This has meant changing industry (tech to finance); profession (marketer to financial planner); residence (Seattle to Tacoma); and, more recently, employment status (employee to advisory owner).  Through all of this, it was my clarity of purpose that kept me focused and moving forward.  There was no job too menial (e.g., making coffee for clients) or difficult (e.g., studying countless hours for the CFP® exam) to take on.  I viewed them all as part of the path towards my calling.

 

Now, that I am running my own advisory, new insights and lessons continue to unfold.  I feel incredibly privileged to do work that gives me a strong sense of purpose and accomplishment beyond meeting my financial needs.  Additionally, my work provides me with a front-row seat on other people’s lives and their perspective on life.  As result, I feel as though I’m attending a master class on life.  Moreover, to do my work well, I’m constantly discovering and practicing what it means to care for myself and for others.  And, it’s this ongoing dynamic that helps deepen my understanding and expression of love.

Love lessons thus far

I have yet to find a life partner.  However, these days, there’s less urgency to finding THE ONE as I’m making more of a conscious effort to love myself − regardless.  Still, my personal and professional experiences over the past few years have yielded a wealth of lessons about love that’s far more expansive and encompassing than I could’ve imagined.

 

First, true love begins with self-love.  This love is less about sentiment and more about doing the hard work (internally and externally) of creating the life that is the most honest expression of myself.  To love myself better, these are my filter questions:  Is this experience or person healthy for me?  Will it allow me to grow emotionally and spiritually?  If the answer is yes, then I take a step forward.  If the answer is no, then I take a step back; moving forward will ultimately lead to a dead end.

 

Second, only when I love myself can I truly love others.  When I love myself, there’s no need to manipulate others to give me what I perceive as lacking.  As is, I find myself increasingly approaching all relationships from a place of being “full.”  In the past, I would extend myself in the hopes of getting something in return.  Now, I extend myself, because I can.  Interestingly, the latter approach has given me far more than I’d expected.

 

Finally, I’m beginning to realize that love of self leads to love of others with the ultimate goal being spiritual growth.  Rather than waiting on THE ONE with whom to practice love, I see myself and those around me as constant opportunities to practice love on a more universal level.  Within this context, a life partner is less of a defining goal, but rather another opportunity to love.  And, perhaps it is within this context that I will eventually meet my life partner.

True love and personal finance 

Why discuss self-love in a personal finance blog?  When you love yourself, you start making decisions and taking actions that lead to increased health and well-being.  Since money is a big stressor for many people, taking steps towards greater financial health is an act of tremendous self-love.  In so doing, you lay the groundwork for attracting greater abundance into your life.