#1 Reason women fall financially behind - choosing we over me

When I was in high school, I occasionally enjoyed reading the funnies (comic strips) in the newspaper.  One comic strip that has stayed with me featured a man standing behind a prison wall gripping the bars on the window with a forlorn, hopeless facial expression.  What this person didn’t realize was that if he’d simply turned around and take in his surroundings, he would’ve noticed there were no walls on the other three sides of his cell.  He could’ve walked out of that prison any time! 

Key themes in women’s money and mental stories

I’ve been running my own financial advisory for 6 years now.  About 90% of my clients are smart, independent, driven, professional women with either high income and/or high net worth.  On paper, they look like they’re at top of their game.  But, when I look more closely at each woman’s situation, a more nuanced picture emerges.  Collectively, here are the key “money stories” I’ve noticed across my client base:

·       “I find the topic of money hard, boring, best outsourced, etc.”   

·       “I think a home is a great financial investment.  I want to buy vs rent, which is throwing away money.” 

·       “I want to/have to take care of ______________ (fill in the blank).”    

When I first started working in financial advising, my assumption was that we women were financially behind men (overall) because of: pay inequality; high concentration in low(er) paying industries; lack of (financial) education/confidence; longer work gaps (caretaking)…However, over time, I’ve come to realize that these are symptoms of a more ingrained and insidious cause: selflessness.  (Huh?) Based on my observation, underlining our “money stories” are powerful “mental stories” about what it takes to be a truly successful woman – service and sacrifice:  

·       “I need to compromise to maintain this job, this relationship…the peace.”

·       “I need to demonstrate my compassion, generosity, sense of responsibility (duty)…, by putting others’ needs above my own.”    

·       “Since I can afford it, I should shoulder more of the cost and care for ____________ (fill in the blank).”    

Perverting selflessness – Prioritizing we over me 

And, these stories get perpetuated generation after generation by our well-meaning mothers who think they’re preparing us daughters for the ultimate success − marriage and motherhood − by trying to embody the cultural ideals of service and sacrifice within themselves.  Among my women clients, the more they have, the more they are inclined to do for others.  And, the more they do for others, the more they’re expected to do by others.  I’m not saying that doing more for others is bad in and of itself.  It can be incredibly rewarding if one can afford it.  But, after doing financial plan after financial plan over the years, what the numbers have told me is that we continue to do more even when we can’t afford to.  Reason being, doing more for others (first) often means doing less for ourselves: less saving, less investing, less options, less flexibility, less freedom.  If helping others requires that we hurt ourselves, then are we really being helpful to anyone?  

That brings me to my second point.  I’ve also noticed that when perverted, selflessness becomes its evil doppelganger − selfishness.  If we women don’t feel like we have (cultural) permission to think and act openly in our own best interest, then we often do so subconsciously and covertly.  For example, rather than give because we can afford to and/or want to help those with less, many of us do so out of a deep sense of obligation.  But, underneath that is likely a strong need for validation, recognition and appreciation.  Our open hands conceal a closed heart, or at least, one that seeks (emotional) reciprocation in kind. 

Reclaiming Self-lessness – Choosing me then we 

If you’re like me, the one thing that finally woke me up from serving and sacrificing myself off a (financial) cliff was increased suffering.  After decades of obeying culture by prioritizing “we over me” with little acknowledgement and appreciation in return, I finally hit a breaking point: breakdown.  Ironically, my breakdown became my breakthrough.  And, the more I reconnected with my body, mind and spirit, the more clearly I could hear their collective message: I choose me.         

In the beginning, choosing me felt foreign…and selfish.  But, I discovered that taking small steps slowly led to taking big steps.  For me, that meant reclaiming my space (literally). Helping my parents buy their home in Seattle eventually led to extreme physical exhaustion, financial pressure and eventually mental breakdown.  So, for two years, I had to move in with my family because I couldn’t work and, thereby, afford to keep up the mortgage on my own home.  (Sacrifice.)  Still, in that time, as I worked to heal my body and mind, I slowly sought to reclaim my space.  With some cash savings and no job, I decided to take a leap of faith by moving back into my own home after renting it out for a time.  Armed with a stronger sense of agency, I felt like I’d be able to work for what I needed when I need it.  Since then, I’ve continued to take steps towards whatever and whomever pulls me.  I now know that’s the direction home.           

Final thoughts… 

A few years back, to commemorate and celebrate my ongoing commitment to my Self, I bought for myself a diamond eternity band.  I wear it on the middle finger of my dominant (right) hand to serve as a visible reminder of my vow to my Self: I choose me.  Moreover, reflecting upon my financial advising work, I’m reminded of the handful of clients whose words and, more importantly, actions seem to suggest that they’ve made a similar commitment to themselves.  Interestingly, they’re often the ones who progress financially fastest and are happiest, if not downright giddy. 

Like the man in the comic strip, I suspect that we women often grip the bars on the window of our respective prison, because we feel trapped.  If we’d simply lift our head and take in our surroundings, we’d realize that there are no walls on the other three sides of our (mental) prison; we could free ourselves at any moment.  Changing our mental story will result in a cosmic shift (forward) in our money story as well.  So, my advice to all women: choose you.  Based on my experience, only when I choose me can I truly choose anyone else.  It’s this love story that makes all love stories possible.